10 More Top New Year’s Resolutions

Last year I did my first Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions. I was really drunk when I wrote them, and as a result they ended up being pretty damn funny. Although they will be a tough act to follow, I’m kegstanding Absinthe right now—the same drink that induced Van Gogh to hack off his ear—so I feel the funny coming on real hard. Here goes . . .

1. Perform random acts of kindness. Follow up with random acts of senseless violence and/or inappropriate sensuality. It’s best to keep others confused as to what you will do next. Fear and disorientation are great ways of manipulating people.

2. Volunteering to help others is a wonderful experience. So don’t be selfish—let others help you so they can experience the beautiful gift of giving.

3. Learn a new word everyday. I subscribe to the Urban Dictionary’s Word of the Day. Some of my recent favorites include “beard goggles” (when a beard-bearing individual is convinced that his facial hair looks great, regardless of how bad it may look to everyone else), “moreplay” (the postcoital activities that are performed after sex but resemble foreplay, may lead to more sex), and ”recyclopath” (a person who militantly engages in recycling and is so hostile to simply throwing away garbage, it borders on mental illness). I feel smarter already.

4. Don’t dwell on the past—there’s no use crying over spilt milk, as they say. So just forget about that homeless dude you shanked because he looked at you funny, or that $1 million you embezzled from your employer. Chances are you won’t ever get caught or successfully prosecuted, and you’ll sleep much better at night if you turn off that pesky conscience.

5. Start a blog. Cause that’s what the world needs—more blogs. Scratch that—do the world a favor and kill your blog. No one really cares what you have to say. Notable exceptions: my blog, Charlie Sheen’s blog (okay, he’s too blitzed to start one but if he did it would be legendary), and People of Walmart.

6. Make 2012 the year you don’t listen to your neighbor’s dog when he commands you to kill, kill, kill, all humans. Unless, of course, he makes some really good points.

7. Be less tolerant of others, and act ridiculously offended for no good reason when other people say something seemingly innocuous. It’s a great way to make friends.

8. Find someone with the same name as you on Facebook. Steal their identity and buy lots of shit using their credit card numbers. Facebook privacy standards are really lax.

9. Resolve to become better at your favorite hobby. That way we don’t have to keep politely lying about your crappy photographs/needle-point/guitar solos/paintings/whatever dumb thing you do.

10. Quit drinking. Yeah right, just kidding.

Here’s a random photo of puffins dancing. Happy New Year!

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About Ian Plant (275 Posts)

Ian Plant's photographs and instructional articles have appeared in a number of books, calendars, and magazines, including Outdoor Photographer and Popular Photography. Ian writes a regular blog column for Outdoor Photographer online, and he is the author of numerous instructional eBooks and digital processing tutorials. Ian leads several photo tours each year.

6 Comments

George Stocking January 1, 2012 at 2:36 pm

“recyclopath” – yuk yuk..
Boyan January 1, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Not bad, though I am not sure you can make a living as a standup comic My favorite is

2. Volunteering to help others is a wonderful experience. So don’t be selfish—let others help you so they can experience the beautiful gift of giving.
Ian Plant January 1, 2012 at 4:29 pm

As I said Boyon, I used up my best ones last year!
nate parker January 2, 2012 at 8:32 am

Hahhhahaa!! This is great! Wonderful irreverence sir! I suddenly have a greatly improved respect for your art! You’re Crazy!! -Nate
- Ian Plant January 2, 2012 at 8:38 am
  
  Thank you Nate! I like to keep things fun – if that makes me crazy, then guilty as charged!
James David Walley January 5, 2012 at 5:31 am

The frightening thing is that I know some people who would adopt that list completely seriously. The second frightening thing is that the people in question are either friends or, worse, close family members.